Are You Listening?

I am so dependent on technology! The last couple days the internet server in our office went down. So no e-mail and no internet! I'm going through withdrawals (and had to go off site today to write this blog entry).

Something happened yesterday that made me think of how vital LISTENING is to the nurturing of relationships. And how uncommmon and difficult it can be.

I took Susan to lunch yesterday (Happy Birthday, Susie!). While we were enjoying our chicken salad sandwiches, an old co-worker came up to her to say hello. Quite frankly, when I saw her coming I didn't look forward to this encounter. Sad to say, we've always seen her as a compulsive talker. She briefly asked how Susan was doing and then immediately launched into a five minute monologue about all her travels to see her variuos grandchildren. When she finally stopped, this woman began to leave and then said, "Oh, happy birthday." And off she went.

As she headed to the door, I said to Susan somewhat sarcastically, "So, how are you today? Tell me about yourself."

Why is it that we naturally talk about ourselves and don't listen? When people corner me and go on and on about something, too often I find myself thinking of what I want to say back to them when they take a breath -- rather than deeply listening to them. Isn't listening to a person and truly letting them know that you are hearing what they're saying a way to show that we truly care about them? That we love them? But don't you find yourself getting a bit annoyed with those who babble on and on about themselves but rarely ask how you're doing?

I had one friend who, when I would start telling him about a certain struggle, would cut me off and begin telling me, "I think you need to do such and such." This person meant well and was probably not aware of what he was doing. However, what I needed from him was not immmediate advice but empathy and deep concern.

From my limited training and reading in counseling, I've learned that one of the best things you can say to sommeone who pours out their heart to you is,, "So what I'm hearing you say is...." One of my counseling professors in grad school told us some advice I'll never forget: until a person feels deeply heard and understood by the one they're talking to, their emotion and pain will continue to rise. However, once they're listened to and feel they're understood, then it's as if they've reached a peak of a mountain and begin descending down to a valley of calmness and a feeling of really being helped.

We don't need to solve everyone's problem. Yet when we really let them know we understand what they're saying, I think we've gone a long way in helping that person. Then perhaps you can start exploring with them some options and ways to deal with this problem. And of course, if they're a believer, you can join them in taking their concern to the Lord in prayer.

There is a great book on listening that I couldn't find in my office today. I may go buy another copy. It's called Listening to Others by Joyce Huggett. Great resource. Tremendous stories. She shows the reader how as Christians we can develop a listening heart and minister to hurting folks in significant ways.

The old wise admonition of James comes to mind: "Be quick to listen and slow to speak..."

What helps you listen to others? And how do you get others to listen to you?

Jim